oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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