Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
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i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize