Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
please come you make the beer taste better
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
