so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
