Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
