Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
