foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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