yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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