Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
