I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
try to milk me bitch
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