I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
