I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
