Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
