Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
