Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
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He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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