I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
