I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
