i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
