I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
