I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
