i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
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she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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