just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
