Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
not ubering you a puppy
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