All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
