do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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