so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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