don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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