it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
