oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize