I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
