I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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