Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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