Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
