Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
