Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He better not be in your backpack
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
