Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
