I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
