i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
