Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
