Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
