There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just cropdusted the office
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
