What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
