I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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