im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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