did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
