3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We left the knife in your bed.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
