he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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