so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
