I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What a dumb baby whore.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
