Can Purell be used as lube?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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