you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
