considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
