Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
PANTIES FOUND
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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