I looked at my own cervix.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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