You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
